Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
The Assassin.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS