Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!