I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
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I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems