I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”