Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
dictator is short for richard potato
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
step 6: release the wall snake
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
forgive me baja for i have blast
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!