please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that