βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. Itβs been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: you say your dogβs a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
7: mom whatβs chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, okβ¦are we made of chicken?
me: noβ¦
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her βThatβs not daddy under the blanket. Thatβs just a big lump.β
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i mβ
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
WIFE: good news hun weβre up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while Iβm gardening?
Her: Heβs a paramedic.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Woman: I love a man with an accent
MΓ‘n: Well hello there
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no iβm not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?