When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human