[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
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First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My safe word is Worcestershire
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you