I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
You Might Also Like
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage