Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀