The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.