Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary