“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.