thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud