Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire