OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
🙀🙀🙀😹
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you