You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
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SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
So sick of all these stupid rules
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin