I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
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“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.