Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
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The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.