I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-