My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
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A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
There is no “we” in pizza
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”