I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.