They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time