Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I feel it
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?