Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby