putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
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*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point