My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
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What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.