Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
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turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Me when my alarm goes off