[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
You Might Also Like
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.