I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
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John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Word!
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.