I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair