Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
inside you are two wolves
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
choose your gary
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.