[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….