thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction