[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
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In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?