Getting married soon just need a spouse
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My dad is at it again
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.