There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
What a kind woman! 😂😂
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*