Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan