A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Do not steal food from the science building!
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The point of your 20s