A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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How I like cutting carbs
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Very good news from my accountant
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.