“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
what are they serving at kfc then???
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Real House Wines.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…