Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
This could be us but you eatin’
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
peep davidson
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what