We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Introverted vegans go meetless
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.