Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Note to self: I am a note
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?