[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.