Nailed it!馃憞馃徎馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that鈥檚 what we鈥檙e trying to find out Owen
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
In case you don鈥檛 believe there鈥檚 any way your kid鈥檚 stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where鈥檚 your pants?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I鈥檓 at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Godzilla鈥檚 attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I should鈥檝e known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
The fact that my balcony isn鈥檛 facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round 鈥榚m up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?