As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.