I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!