Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Rooting for the overdog
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.